Aaaalright alright, gather yeeee, gather yeeee.
Vulnerability.
The cheekiest little mistress to master and a god dayum practiced art.
Not that long ago, I couldn’t do it without feeling like I was going to throw up.
Actually, that’s a flat out lie.
I could & I did…often.
It just made me particularly queasy with guys that I was crushing on.
Because for a bit there, they all seemed to have that one thing in common.
They were all bloody avoidant.
I’d raise a point, with love (shit sandwich always) & they’d rationalize their way out of taking any responsibility.
The part that can be scary about speaking up or setting a boundary is the pain that comes with the story in your head that tells you you’re being “too much”.
It’s a silly little story, yet sadly, it’s one that’s all too common.
One I believed until I started asking myself “too much of what”?
Too sensitive?
Too honest?
Too opinionated?
When I put pen to paper, I quickly realised that my list was filled with traits I loved dearly in others so why was I tripping when the mirror was turned back on me?
Vulnerability in relationships can go 1 of 2 ways.
It’ll either bring you closer or it’ll cement that they’re not right for you.
Whichever way the cogs turn, you’re getting a get out of jail free card.
Why would you want to have someone in your life who you can’t spit ball with?
Friendships I never thought would, crumbled because of shitty communication.
Instead of crumbled, I should probably say “made way for more aligned friendships” cause that’s the fact.
Initially, losing something you really believed in can hurt more than a broken coccyx but it’s that thing I keep repeating….”short term pain, long term gain”.
It’s demoralising when someone doesn’t care to see where you’re coming but if you keep practicing wording up, you will be rewarded.
If you’re working towards a sense of peace & sovereignty when those feelings of shame & guilt come’a knockin’, it means you’re edging towards more aligned relationships. Worth it!
It takes big ol’ balls to stand up for what you believe in & deserve.
So if you’re in the arena, I applaud you.
Where it all began…
I’m 19 & in love for the first time.
It feels good because he’s the hot guy from the bottle o who we’ve all been crushing on.
I don’t really have any values at this stage & my voice is still on pause so it’s guaranteed to fail.
He’s an alcoholic. The friendly kind.
I learn one thing from this relationship & it’s to never settle.
From 19-21 I shag anything that is hot and has a pulse.
I turn 21 and I have no clue that I am en route to experiencing my first “pull the carpet from under me” kind of love.
But first, I am to go through a year of turmoil.
I’m partying hard, depressed as all hell, 3 feet deep in an eating disorder & loathing every ounce of my being.
I wake up one morning with not much will to live.
Mom says something about a change of scenery to motivate a change in mental space.
Melbourne?
Melbourne!
5 days later I arrive in the big smoke.
I find a job and a home.
My doctor tells me I’m depressed & gives me a prescription for anti depressants.
I tell him it’s actually “a bout of depression” and that It’ll do me more harm than good to identify with his diagnosis.
(No judgement if you take anti depressants. They're just not my jam.)
It gets tougher before it gets brighter but I notice consistent shifts in my headspace.
I fly to west Aus and experience my first taste of inner freedom in a long while.
Sri lanka comes next and then on to India.
6 months later, I return home with purpose & clarity.
My path feels written.
I spot him at an art show.
He is a full blown vision.
I can’t locate the nads to say hello.
Dang it.
We become pals on insta & I offer a surf.
We don’t drink any water or eat any food because time is of the essence and there is much to talk about.
He has depth, is kind & has a spiritual element which (shots fired) you don’t see all that often in men my age.
I’m so sure of him.
He is everything I wrote on my list except I foolishly forget to include healthy communication.
I don’t realise that that’s the crux of a strong relationship.
We break because we aren’t mature enough to move through our first hurdle.
It’s painful, for a long time but I wish him the best.
The respect never dies.
From then on communication becomes non negotiable.
It’s 2022 & I’m working on a commercial.
I spot a strappingly charismatic fellow & introduce myself.
It turns out he’s the main talent.
His can do attitude makes me happy & I drive away thinking “who was thatttttt”?
One Sunday a few months later, he comes by for cake & puzzles.
We don’t eat cake or do any puzzles but I’m okay with that.
He celebrates my intricacies & comments on my ways of doing that no one else has ever has.
I feel appreciated.
I am allowed to be myself. I guess I always have been….he just motivates it more than the ones that came before him.
I enjoy his company very much but feel we aren’t quite compatible. We talk about it and decide that friendship will be best. He reminds me that there’s some bloody good guys out there.
It’s 2022 and I am head over for this dude who is no good for me.
I’m working through some anxious tendencies & abandonment issues and he’s avoidant.
Disastrous.
The universe is serving me exactly what I need to break my pattern.
Over and over and over again.
I experience a very strong form of heart break.
One that feels silly and impossible to put into words.
The kind where you create a shiny idea in your head of the person before you and they’re far from it.
It’s a catastrophe.
I’m annoyed at myself but I practice grace.
This one teaches me not to give people qualities they don’t possess.
After that ordeal, I make a petition to abolish rose coloured glasses and It’s like I forget to sign it because I do it aaaaaall over again soon after with someone who barely knows I exist.
The difference this time is that I notice the pattern quickly and I’m able to knock some sense into myself.
I see he’s avoidant and I can’t unsee it.
I move through the motions hastily & feel proud of myself.
I notice myself not settling for the crumbs.
23’ -
I meet this guy and immediately I feel at ease.
I’m not bothered about how I come across, if what I’m saying is interesting enough or if he likes me.
He is confident, self assured & forward.
I love kiwis. The majority are so pure.
I have a habit of sitting in resentment instead of stirring the pot, so as we start to build, I vow that if something bothers me, I will speak up.
Something bothers me.
He sees where I’m coming from, cops it on the chin & thanks me for setting a boundary.
I have no words.
Magnificent. Chefs kiss.
My pattern of attracting avoidant men is over because I know deep down that I deserve the same level of love & communication that I have to give.
We vibe hard.
I love that he give little to no fucks about what other people think.
We meditate & stretch & massages aren’t uncommon..
We listen to music. Like really listen.
There is apple pie & a swim amidst a hurricane.
He opens me up to some new ways and I like to think I do too.
Little ego deaths happen consistently.
I go to yoga & he swims….never not in the nude.
You know the shaggin’ where you’re playing for hours without an end goal?
When the leg cramps & tight hips make way for laughter & conversation & before you know it, you’re ready to go again?
Thats our signature.
He sleeps on his back and I think that means he’s enlightened.
We meditate before z’s and I am reminded of just how good it feels to be touched & cared for.
He gives me my space and I his & there is no expectation surrounding what we are.
I like it like that until the age and experience gap becomes prominent.
We go our separate ways but there is so much honesty there. What I once feared saying is beautifully received.
He gifts me more than he’ll ever know & unknowingly tnt’s some hidden fears surrounding trust.
Vulnerability and what it’s been teaching me:
- The right people, for you, will receive, appreciate & reciprocate
- The people that aren’t meant for you will teach you a lesson in what you deserve
- If they don’t give you what you need, get it elsewhere.
- Aim large with all of your relationships!!!
- A life lived without practicing vulnerability is a life not fully lived
- Raw truth and honesty shows courage and commitment. To yourself and to your people.
- There's a chance of getting hurt, but there's also a chance for connection and growth.
What is meant for you will not miss you <3
To understand attachment styles, I highly recommend the book “Attached” by Amir Levine.
It teaches you how to break anxious/avoidant patterns and also guides you towards spotting secure humans for more positive relationships.
It’s brilliant & an absolute game changer.
Love,
Cap