I wondered, why don’t we ask each other on dates anymore?
When instagram hadn’t quite kicked off & tinder was only a toddler, I distinctly remember the population being more daring.
Surfing Fingal, meeting a cool dude, vibing & being asked out for a game of pool. No request for an insta handle in sight! 🥹
Maybe my balls used to be bigger or maybe I read too much about men hunting and women gathering…
I’m not sure.
What I am sure about is that I no longer feel a pull to be pursued.
Instead, I’ve fallen into advocating for equal give & take.
As Ram Das once said, to me personally -
“Play silly games, win silly prizes”
And I back that notion.
So I’ve been calling that in.
And man, it’s been blowing my mind.
The idea that you can think something, abide by your new laws and in return, receive it right back.
It’s hot shit.
Anyway, I think my balls are still just as big as they were when I asked the first guy I’ve ever loved to come surfing with me.
Initiating an approach is often perceived as an inferior action as opposed to receiving the approach.
It’s kinda weird.
All those in favour of a tweak say “I”.
My fav coach says
“There is no love that doesn’t come with the risk of heartbreak. Our fears of being hurt are what’s creating so much toxicity in dating & relationships.
So much strategising, protecting, games, etc.
However, There are measures that everyone needs to take to make them less vulnerable to being hurt.
We must have a standard of how we expect to be treated that is high. Which means, we must be very clear what our deal breakers are.
We must listen to our bodies.
If it doesn’t feel right, you’ll know.
Listen.”
And I love that.
That’s Jillian Turecki by the way. She’s incredible.
We must communicate.
No mind reading, no playing it cool, no repressing and resenting.
Resentment is one I’ve tango’d with since I was a child.
It tightens up your jaw and your back and your neck and if unexpressed can really do damage to your cells dawg.
TO YOUR DNA!
I could write a book on moving through resentment.
All those in favour of a book about resentment, say “I”.
Lol.
Anyway, here’s one more from Jill that I’ve added a little bit to (I hope that’s okay. If not, I apologise.)
“We must resist all temptations to get involved in situationships because we are too afraid to ask for what we want and risk ending a connection.
We must choose more wisely.
There are great people out there.
Great women.
And great Men.
(And all the rest of ya’ll that identify as something other than a soul in a body.)
Are you choosing the good ones?
See the person at face value.
And choose with care.”
Guys, you’re built to hunt.
Maybe some of you have noticed an innate need that resides in you that has you wanting to conquer…
Or maybe you haven’t and you roll in a different way.
Either way, a bunch of studies have shown that the majority feel it and need to learn to Salsa with it in a healthy way.
It’s been this way for some time.
That’s preeeeetty cool in my opinion.
Chicks, you flow best when you don’t chase, instead you attract.
I’m not saying that women get to sit back and snack on grapes & be fanned.
Women are just as culpable….
We all have to take more action.
Magic comes from action.
Action comes from magic.
Confidence is a practice.
Being rejected is an art.
And challenging yourself in areas that scare you becomes medicine.
80% of men don’t approach women because they don’t want to appear creepy & 90% of women appreciate an approach.
I don’t know the statistic on guys being approached but I can absolutely imagine that they’d froth that kind of attention. Who wouldn’t?
A coupla people probably.
It’s the internet & I can say whatever I want so I’m gonna go with 5%.
Let’s at least give that statistic a nudge.
The past is the past.
Let’s eave it there.
But tomorrow or in a week or in 3 months time, when you cross paths with someone that has a calming energy or a sick pair of kicks or cute dimples, promise yourself that you’ll let them know.
If his lashes are long & lush, you know what you gotta do.
Which ever way you swing, stand in solidarity with me.
It’s not about compliments or having expectations surrounding outcome.
It’s about seeing something in that person that you too possess or appreciate.
It’s instant connection… if the energy is there.
We need more of that in a time of great division.
Take aways:
- Let’s bring back letters & mixed cd’s & asking each other out without 4g.
- Love over fear
- Let’s switch love heart eye reaction to peoples stories to eye contact in real life. Eyes tell a thousand words.
- When you’re voting on Saturday, trust yourself and what your intuition tells you. Mine has failed me a few times but it’s a muscle you flex
Love
Loneliness
Ahhh loneliness.
What even is it?
A thought? A feeling? A mentality? Actual lack? An unmeet need?
Maybe it’s a combination of all the above. One that ebbs & flows.
But does it ever go away?
It’s a deeply personal venture but I reckon we’ve all had that feeling where you’re surrounded by humans, yet couldn’t feel less seen.
Next time that feeling or thought begins to surface, give it a moment
Get curious with it.
Ask where it’s coming from & if you can help it in its transformation.
You’ll be humbled by the answers that reside within you and the memories that surface when you challenge it/ask for some clarity.
Last week, I noticed it bubbling within me.
Generally, I’d probably just feel sorry for myself for a bit but this time, I softly asked it of its whereabouts…
I thought maybe through a new practice, I’d be able to meet the emptiness & transmute it into a helpful insight.
The feeling started in my heart and softened when I met it with care.
I didn’t mind it being there.
I’m already quite introverted but the past two months have been particularly hermit for me.
I find that when I’m moving through certain emotions & some lessons are becoming cement, I opt for less influence from the outside world.
I’m a walking contradiction.
My deepest desire is to connect but I don’t want sub-par connection, so it’s not often that I say yes, unless it’s a fuq yes.
For so long, I felt a certain guilt around being invited to events & observing that not even 1% of me itched to attend.
My need for connection never broke through my want to be alone.
Maybe because I knew deep down that if I felt lacking in connection to myself, my connection with others wouldn’t be as pure as I’d like it to be?
Anyway, something just kept telling me to keep working on my connection to self and my connection to others would follow.
What in this world do you want the most?
For me it’s freedom, spontaneity, having time, mental stimulation, laughter…but mostly: it’s deep connection.
All things attainable as a solo standing human but probably sweeter when shared?
So what is it for you? Because often, the thing you want the most is hiding behind the thing you resist the most.
Getting what you desire deeply requires you to do something new.
It pushes you to experience a new level of discomfort.
You gotta walk through the temporary discomfort to get to the thing you actually want.
Your mind and body will always be like “I don’t fucking like this, let’s go back to doing what we know” so it’s on you to make the change & exercise your will.
Commit.
Own it.
Recognise the resistance & strap the fuck in.
Old ways won’t bring new results.
In the end, we’re all solo standing humans.
Does that feel sad or empowering to you?
I reckon it’s best to just see it for what it is.
The honest reality.
We all experience loneliness.
Try meeting it with care and curiosity, instead of resistance and lack, and see what surfaces.
Thanks for reading!
Love x
I think
Some of you aren’t going to like this one because you’ve met your husband on Hinge or you and your girlfriend are flourishing after the sunset date of your dreams but the cool part about 2023 is that we’re allowed to have opposing opinions!
Long story short and then I’ll give you the short story long, I think it’s weak.
I think that if you’re wanting connection and you can’t find it within your friendship groups, family or yourself, it’s time to ask yourself some big questions.
I think you’re in a rush.
Afraid to be present.
I think you’re pushing at something that so badly wants to happen naturally.
I think if you haven’t met him yet, then you’re not ready.
I think it’s sad that you stay with her because you’re 40 & scared that you won’t find someone better.
I think you should take up a hobby instead, pick up a book, start a conversation or ask yourself why your first instinct when you’re feeling lack is to open an app, swipe right to some eye candy then perfectly craft some messages that hopefully lead to something BIG.
If you’re reading this and you’re one of those dudes that slides into chicks dms because they’re hot, it’s the same things.
The gram is just marketed better.
I’m pissed off. I don’t know if you can tell.
I never go unfiltered but yesterday I was reminded that this is a very real & prominent part of my personality & it’s not going anywhere.
My barometer for responding to hate was blown up when we went through that weird little phase where people who wanted autonomy over their bodies were shunned. Remember those coupla years? Haha throwback! #koalakiller
Since then, I’ve had a bit of a filter but yesterday on the poddy, my filter broke and I decided I’m not buying anothery. Thank you Hannah Darling.
There’s so many sides to us all that we don’t show up as because we fear judgement.
The cool part is the only judgement that matters is the judgement you level yourself.
So why not show up as the outspoken person for once & see what happens.
Maybe it’ll be cathartic or confronting, maybe It’ll piss the masses off or maybe fuck all will happen but at least you did something different.
I’ve gone through a big portion of my life feeling misunderstood & completely stifled because we live in a soft society and I have a lot to say.
The things is, no one can ever truly see you or understand you. Not only because they are seeing you through the lens of their own beliefs but also because you came here to witness and understand yourself. That’s the mission.
Knowing yourself cannot be out outsourced and when you depend on another person to see you, validate you, or understand you, in order to feel at peace, then you are not only giving your power away but you are abandoning yourself completely. BOOOOO to that.
On that note, I’m wondering, what happened to having opinions…?
Ones that differ from the rest and bring a subtle evil half smile to your face, paired with the thought that you’re a little tweaked for housing that thought…
Theo Von for pm.
Anyway, the real reason I’m pissed is because I see so many people LIVING in that lack mentality.
People who blame the cafe for paying them $20 an hour.
Like the cafe has them chained to the coffee machine…
Like the choice to leave to follow their passion is in the shift managers hands….
We have one go at it, one go to do shit that feels seismic & scary but instead we sit back and blame everything except ourselves for our lives (which we are the commandeers of) because it’s easier than taking a leap into the unknown.
You could get squished by a car this arvo, not wake up tomorrow, lose someone close and be faced with years of grief.
But instead, you’re here, with your health & your vitality & the potential to do something huge.
Naw! Look! You were just gifted another breath.
And another.
That’s pretty sweet.
Someone just took their last breath.
You wake up, suckle your vape in bed, scroll on your phone, stay in that toxic relationship & hold yourself back from making little adjustments daily that WILL benefit you in the long run.
“It’s so good when he’s not giving me crumbs”
“I worked hard today….I earned this drink or this doob.”
Where is that little voice coming from?
Have you challenged it recently?
Choices.
Reckon that beverage and mindless scroll will get you closer to financial freedom?
Oh wait. You don’t think you’ll ever be able to enter the housing market so why bother.
Ever thought about what could happen if you exercised some discipline, stopped giving your power away to your circumstances, stopped giving so much energy to what people think about you and started chipping away at that thing that you used to dream about before you got in your own way?
I come into contact with people who are scared frequently & it irks me.
But those interactions show me my cracks & remind me of how I refuse to live.
If you don’t believe in yourself and you’re not taking some accountability for your life, I can’t & I won’t.
It’s draining.
I’m pissed off because I want what I see on insta to be inspiring, real & individual but a lot of the time, it’s not.
There is one of you, with your brain & your spice but you use the same trending song on your reel because you saw her do it and it’s easy to not go against the grain.
I’m so fucking sick of seeing the “He’s my rock” posts and the “We can’t wait to meet you” baby posts.
Read a fucking book, find some new words & express your love for your baby in a different manner!
Please just make it different.
Let’s refresh this fucking app before I rip my hair out.
I feel annoyed at the most beautiful girls I know who smooth their photos & hate themselves behind closed doors. Do better.
To the guys who see me on a night out, fade me and then send a dm later instead of growing a set and having a yarn in real life. Boooooooo.
Which brings me to the final topic of the day.
Talking phases.
If you see potential with someone, stop talking via your fingers immediately!
Stop all comms.
I repeat. STOP!
Let them know you’re interested in hanging out in real life, if it flows but please, step back slowly.
Be patient, do you, work on your shit, rejoice in the singledom and explore the potential when and if it flows, later down the track.
You’ll thanks me later.
There’s too much room for error in words.
Actions though…
We live in this world where we’re constantly seeking instant gratification & dopamine, where we want people to validate us right the fuck now. Validate your own experience. Invalidation is not a mortal wound. You’ll live.
Take aways:
- Chip away every day, challenge the voices in your head and remember, no one is you so act like it.
- Balance your connection to infinite while accepting where you stand
- Get rid of energy sappers
- If this triggered you, good
- I am a savage cunt
Sex energy
We all know a top notch shag generally comes with after glow & some extra peppy in the steppy, but did you know it’s possible to attain that peppy without taking part in the actual practice of sex?
Not that shagging is the devil.
I’m just saying that without intention, it has the ability of causing more harm than one might think. Women: you’re letting someone in to a pretty dang sacred space.
Men: You’re letting go of life force (biiiig energy), which can well affect hormone levels (mood).
With the right person it’s the tické but when that’s not available to you, knowledge surrounding a solo g-rated practice awaits & has the ability to be chemical.
Sex energy is the energy of life & creativity.
From pollination to the biological need to reproduce, nearly everything has sex drive.
The expansion of our sexual energy comes after cultivating & directing consistent energy/awareness towards that sexual expansion.
Awareness can be directed at anything!
Expression, arts, projects, work, hobbies, organs & plenty more.
Whatever you likeyyy.
Just be intentional with where it’s headed.
The energy supply is super physical & its strike rate for channeling new ideas and promoting execution is unmatched.
Sex energy and creativity go hand in hand! :’)
My favourite part about it is just that…. the positive influence on the evolution of an idea and the state of creativity available to anyone, if practiced intentionally.
Fundamentally, the practice hits on a spiritual level but it also opens the mind up to the possibilities of exploring new pleasure filled sensations that I can only describe as other worldly.
What’s there to lose?
If you become aware of an innate need to expand sexually, you’ll end up with sexually empowered people in your circle or you’ll stumble upon a book or the knowledge will manifest itself in a way you least expected because it’s a natural part of life & it’s asking to be harnessed.
When you’re feeling called to harness your sexual energy, it is then time to channel it by diving immediately into an area of your life you want to focus on with that energy turned on.
Its influence on transmuting ideas is truly such a resource.
See what happens…
Could it motivate your ideas to manifest with even more haste?
Yip.
Cultivating sexual energy is an important solo practice.
It is said to be the life force that connects you to your soul point.
I interpret that as sex being a gateway to a full illumination of who you are, without any inhibitions in sight!
To reach new highs, one can focus attention and energy towards cultivating sex energy by moving awareness to the sex centre, which is located below the navel.
Coming back to this place in meditation is truly healing whilst picturing the colour orange.
Another practice that I like is to: Breathe in slowly, feeling the energy accumulating within yourself, then breathe out and feel it dispersing throughout your body, up your spine and up to the third eye, which is said to be the portal to strengthening intuition.
I recorded a meditation that promotes a good release & gives an insight into some ways in which we can use our breath & imagination to signal a release, if you’re interested <3
https://youtu.be/7NVyunOChTI
I find this practice motivates alignment in my day to day & the positive subtleties in my relationship with self have been hard not to notice. It’s woo woo but I rate it.
I highly recommend the book “Eros Ascending” by John Maxwell Taylor.
I haven’t referenced it too much because you’ve gotta be called to the idea naturally & this isn’t book club buuut if it was, it’d be called bookhub and the logo would be like the pornhub logo. Haha swag.
Back to business…!
Business that can be started immediately without waiting for the above book to land in your hot little mits in 3-4 business days. Thank you Goodreads.
Cultivating s.e 100% comes from sex & masturbation, which I also love and back.
The above is just a different approach.
Side note - This is not a shoot of me getting in touch with my sexual energy 😂😂😂
Strap in xx
Take aways:
- Sexual empowerment is before anything, an inside job.
- If you’re called, the knowledge & magic awaits.
- Practicing body appreciation is time well spent, for everyone and anyone. Every day, we wake up and our body just does it. Give it thanks <3
- Feeling good about yourself, your body & your desires sends out healthy signals.
- Romanticise everything. Because romanticizing your life is a form of mindfulness & can be incredibly beneficial.
- Getting familiar with your own sexual energy is a life enhancing journey
- If you have extra stores, send the love to someone who could use it.
LOVE
E-GO
I’ve named my ego Susanne.
God she’s cheeky.
Thought I had her and that kind of confidence is exactly why I was dealt some humble pie.
Right on queue.
Suffering is hard yakka BUT it does have a purpose.
And it is a very noble purpose, might I add.
We need it to evolve.
One must say yes to suffering in order to transcend it.
Sadistic. Ha ha joking!
How goods coming out the other side tho!
Let go of identification with your mind, of who you think you are, of who you think your people think you are & who you really are emerges.
Then you simply just are, blissfully observant of what is before you & what’s flows through you.
If you make time & space for presence, you’ll find that your ego won’t have such power of you & your sense of self won’t be so shakeable.
You won’t need all these rules to feel spiffy because your nature will become curious instead of attatched.
Let presence be more than a concept in your brain.
Practice.
Make it fun!
Be the experiment.
The mission is to be so invite the practice in.
Time and time again, invite it in.
See its significance and dedicate yourself to it.
Then watch what flowers.
Whenever you notice the first whispers of a negative headspace rearing its little head, PROPERLY NOTICE IT.
Sorry that was loud but if you catch it, you’re basically in the right lane, headed south with nothing but clear skies & cranking waves on the menu.
You cannot lose.
And it actually becomes fun/funny if you let it.
Notice that there is something in you that wants to cling to negativity.
You cultivate it.
If there wasn’t, we’d all be coasting instead of creating barriers, pain & disease with thought alone.
Maybe you’re thinking “what part of me would ever derive pleasure from that level of discomfort”?
The thing is, negativity isn’t intelligent & it is always of the ego.
You may feel like it’s all beyond your control or like you can’t handle it because it’s so damn uncomfortable.
But you can, you just have to be dedicated.
Why cling when you can trust that what ever is meant for you will stay?
Believe that it all serves a purpose & you’re becoming aware of the ego directly!
Your identity is now shifting from ego to awareness.
This means the ego is shrinking & the awareness is growing!
The mental chatter looooves momentum.
Adores it. Fizzzzzzes over it
So stop it.
You can.
With breathe, with always choosing to revert back to presence and with patience & practice.
We can create a lot with thought.
The choice is yours!
You are your only real limitation.
With enough practice, you’re set to open up infinite possibilities which come as the awareness builds.
Take aways:
- Doing is never enough if you neglect being.
- Notice what is recurring & spend time with it. Maybe you’re due to suffer in order to re emerge.
- Blame past situations & feel sorry for yourself then stop blaming past situations & feeling sorry for yourself.
- You parents did their best with the tools they had. It’s on you now.
- What ever it is, you can handle it.
LOVE!
Moving through guilt and shame
This ones about adversity.
It’s about speaking up, realising you’re wrong or knowing you’re right.
It’s all subjective but as Cat Stevens once said, “If they were right, I’d agree”.
This ones about the unnecessary pain we put ourselves through when we could instead cultivate enough awareness to catch the thought on the spot, before the physical pain manifests.
By deciding not to follow that particular thought instantly, you’re allowing immediate space to be re directed.
Sounds easy enough right? :P
Yesterday, at therapy, I began to understand that my need for safety comes from that ol’ hunter, gatherer thang where men feel safe till they don’t & women feel unsafe till they do.
I crave safety.
I didn’t know it but I do.
The first google search I did states simply that “Safety is one of our basic, evolutionary needs.”
Which is cool because I’ve never allowed myself that.
So how do we re empower ourselves after a slump?
Get up, make your bed, stretch or go to yoga, see Mom, go to the market, be honest with yourself, get coffee & don’t work unless it’s flowing.
Write. Pages upon pages. Even if it feels like nonsense. Get it down.
Cook yourself a beautiful meal
Wear Lavender
Dress up. It’s not too much, I promise
Tobacco is okay but make sure you’re hydrated
Feel the sun. Like really feel it
Stretch during any given window
Filling up petty: stretch
Lying down: stretch
Checking surf: stretch
Checking him out:stretch
We store emotional baggage in our bodies.
Releeeeease.
Where’s your tongue sitting as you read this?
Is it floating low range or smashing the roof of your mouth?
You know what you need to do.
When you notice your breath getting short. Pause.
What you do next can change everything.
If you’re uncertain, breathe.
Eat the 3 donuts but don’t bash yourself for it.
Look after your space/s.
I think the most under celebrated quality is that of being an absolute cleaning nazi.
I cop so much for it but I reckon it’s revolutionary.
Keeping a clean space and whip = game changer.
How can you be clear if your environment is mash potato?
Prove me wrong dawg.
Side note - I’m loving these Gabor Mate studies on ADHD.
It’s nice for my personal views to be validated & completely enhanced.
Science is golden.
Take aways:
- Guilt and shame are tricky to navigate. Be patient with yourself. Listen to Brene Brown. She’s a thought leader in all of this stuff. Grab what you will.
- Lean on Mom
- If she asks if you need anything, tell her a cheese platter will do
- Go to therapy or take part in some sort of healing modality/body work
- If you think it’s too expensive to put money towards bettering your health, re evaluate. (If you don’t have the pennies, offer a trade of services or save)
- Be kind to yourself. It’s hard but it’s a sure fire way to get out and through
- Eat the donuts
xx
Self care, accountability & human tuinals
I realised the other month that as work picks up & life goes & momentum happens, the self care regime also needs to ramp up.
I don’t neglect self care.
It’s very selfish of me but it’s non negotiable.
How can you expect someone to meet your needs if you can’t meet them yourself?
I think there’s a sizey part of this society that’s on board the suppression train. Next stop, illness.
In saying that, I’m also under the impression that collectively, we’re headed in a healthier direction.
Sometimes I lose faith in society though…
I’ve held back from saying that out loud but I just saw that one of my favourite authors thought it too so now I’m cool with being a little bit real at times.
I can’t do the toxic positivity thing.
Look me in the eyes when we’re talking
Your phone will still be there when this conversation is over
Your energy is your best currency
Ask stimulating questions
Stand up tall…. It’s all in your posture
I could do with using a little more grace but sometimes the barometer just blows up when I’ve been a hermit.
A little smile & two seconds of eye contact goes a long way.
The message and intention I’d like to spread into the world is…less sub bar conversation, more curiousity.
We ask each other day in, day out if we’re algud.
How often is the response “not too bad”.
I reckon all too often.
That narrative sucks.
Watch what happens to your conversations when you use words that have actual meaning.
I reckon you’ll meet more opportunity, conversations & love.
As Lou Reed once sung, “Sooooome people are liiiike huuuuuman tuiiiinaaals”.
I know he did some shit but I still back him & his lyrics. God they hit.
You find more answers when you’re expanding your vocabulary.
More pleasure & at times, more pain. But at least it ain’t mundane ;)
Last night, I stayed at mums & went through her book shelf to suss what might grab me.
This morning, a letter I’d written in 2012 fell out from one of the picks.
I promised to be a better person & daughter.
For myself but mostly for Mum and Jel.
The vocabulary then in comparison to now made my brain smile.
Back with my never ending spiel on vulnerability but man, I cannot believe what that practice has been bringing up for me.
A huge amount of love & light, paired with some of the most hectic pain I might ever feel. Self created mind you.
I have the power to combat impulsivity & sit in the valley of emotions buuut sometimes I choke and forget to surrender.
And god I can be hard on myself.
The potential of being seen and heard could well lead to more clarity, an answer or some wisdom regarding patterns or trauma and that’s scary business.
Who knows what awaits?
That’s why we’re scared of practicing it.
Because maybe we won’t like the answer or we’ll be shown a mirror.
Maybe we’ll meet a deeper kind of love for ourselves.
Maybe they’ll respect us more.
The thing is, it’s completely beyond our control. So let’s use our words. And be clear with our intentions. (This ones for me).
Meet the guilt & shame with love. It’s hard but let’s give it a nudge.
I’ve gone about most of my life in my own lane & it’s been beautiful and real.
Something I’m realising currently is that we all need to be heard, validated & cared for by others in order to thrive indifferent ways.
I think sometimes solitude is a cop out for actually doing the work in real life with actual living humans.
I think sometimes I keep to myself because it’s predictable and safe.
Maybe this is the month I balance out my solitude.
Psychedelics:
I’m not gonna condone psychedelics to every brain out there but I gotta say, I do back them.
Hopefully, if you’re reading this, it means you’re old enough to be making calculated decisions.
What I will condone is using psychs consciously, in a stable head space.
The truth is, I’ve learnt some of the most valuable lessons through dancing in the dark & light that comes from sitting with some of the above.
One time, while on DMT, I was in bed, propped up with pillows, facing my stained glass windows with the 4pm winter light streaming in.
These big ol’ windows are my favourite feature of this house so when the left window began to beam with light, I was nowhere else.
That window hosted imagery of every single thing I might ever desire floating over me innocently.
Such an attractive sight.
Compelling & certain.
So bright.
The other window was dark, heavy and filled with big black hairy goblins with big booties.
I could choose either to focus my attention on the bright window or I could opt for the dark goblin window.
The left window, sittin’ pretty.
A full body orgasm in the form of imagery.
The right, dark and unappealing.
After a good few minutes with the bright, briiiight sexy window, I kept finding myself focusing on the darkness.
Sometimes it’s difficult to stay present.
Especially when you’re being bashed with so many answers at once.
How good is awareness.
Anyway, goblins.
Dmt is so funny to try to interpret.
Maybe the dark window was my shadow?
Is it about blending the light and dark within myself so that they can co exist better?
Or am I to shut the window of darkness so that there’s more room for the bright window to flourish?
After that trip, I decided to sprint at all the ideas floating before me.
In the end, I chose to focus on the bright window and I’m glad I did.
Channeling anger:
It’s sort of whack, but the other night, I was driving and listening to aaaangry music, which is rare for me.
I felt so much pleasure in the anger that was hastily boiling up within me.
For someone who feels resentment (when I don’t speak up) more often than anger, I so naturally knew that the emotion needed to be channelled instead of suppressed.
Anger is one I use to struggle to be in but this time, it wasn’t like that.
I think it’s a cool process getting to the a stage where you’re learning to meet yourself in any emotion.
How ever ugly it may be.
The truth is, there’s lots of fire within me that’s gone unexpressed in the past.
A dragons come up in Aya a few times & they say that’s a sign of courage and bravery.
I’ll take it.
What a totem.
Your feelings are valid:
So what are you feeling?
Because your feelings are valid.
Time and time again they’re valid buuut it is your responsibility to kick yourself in the ass and make the necessary changes, if you’re noticing a pattern of feeling helpless.
We ain’t beyond repair.
Far from it.
But you have to take responsibility.
For your life, for the way you feel & for the way you’d like for your people to feel around you.
Accountability is everything.
If your approach is half let’s fix it/half sit with it and feel it, I think you’re on the money.
If you have a different approach, I’d love to hear about it.
The above feels like an equal femme + masc approach which seems balanced.
It’s intuitive while not really allowing the space for a good ol’ fashion wallow.
I’ve been finding that a dynamic combo of both femme & masc traits can take you places.
Forward motion and measurable outcomes.
Femme + masc energy, For Dummies:
I believe the best place to start is to realise that the polarities should be divorced from the notion that it’s a gender thing & realised as energetic tendencies.
I’ve found that my system basically rolls best when I’m balancing rest and digest with action & consistency.
Tricky to balance, might I add.
Key points:
Words. Let’s use em’.
Eyes. Let’s look into them.
The self: Lets look after her/they/he/hehe
And let’s continue to be honest with ourselves <3
( . ) ( . )
Fear, love & out-dated narratives
I don’t often share writings when I’m in the thick of it because the words don’t come as naturally and the lesson doesn’t feel quite cement yet, but the truth is, this topic has graced my journal frequently & maybe the words won’t ever feel complete.
Eyyyy, we aren’t striving for perfectionism anymore :’)
So here it is.
Living in integrity can be a very lonely practice & having morals and values that go against the grain will bring about adversity & feelings of shame/separateness.
I often ponder fear and my relationship with it.
To be honest, I feel like it’d do me some good to fear a little more.
Mostly when I’m screaming down the highway on the moto, past a semi, in the pouring rain but also when I’m surfing and there’s sharks…
It shouldn’t feel like I’m swimming between the flags in my mind.
Is it strange that I find walking by myself at night to be therapeutic?
I guess that means I’m slightly stupid, somewhat calculated, but mostly, It means I don’t buy into fearing what I cannot control…
But the thing that has brought about the most amount of fear is showing up as my true self.
Spitting the words I want to spit.
Loving deeply.
Being proven wrong, and disagreeing.
Not making others comfortable by sacrificing my own comfort.
All of it.
Living an honest life also means conflict.
Internally & externally.
It’s a practice that takes dedication.
One that flows best without whispers from the inner critic.
One that flourishes when you’re reminding yourself that you’re perfectly within your right to feel what you’re feeling & those emotions don’t have to bare guilt or shame.
We can’t control how we’re going to be perceived.
All we can control is how much we persecute ourselves for doing what feels non negotiable.
I’m doing my very best to live in a state of love.
To cultivate feelings of peace, to breathe, to practice gratitude & to tackle conflict in the only way I know how. With intention.
I put my best foot forward time & time again, but the truth is, no matter how much you volunteer, how kind you are to your clients, how many opportunities you gift people or how generously you live your life, there will still be a rebuttal.
People will still come at you thinking that you’re ill intentioned.
God forbid you have an opposing opinion!
You may feel small because you’re in the minority but the long game will have your back. I promise.
The truth is, I bought into this narrative at the age of 7 that I was in fact an alien & it’s become deeply etched in how I move through the world.
I’ve had trouble relating, conforming & keeping my mouth shut.
I’ve ping ponged between living in a fierce kind of truth & wanting to lock myself up, create art & cut my ear off.
But that’s fear talking & the ego flaring.
Because there is no separation.
I’ve taken so many hits but I’ll always stay afloat because living in integrity comes with a cost but it also comes with a prize of inner knowing (when you turn the little voices off.)
It’s quite easy to shut the fuck up and conform. I’ve done it before…didn’t love it.
What’s tough is giving yourself grace when it feels like no-one will ever understand you.
Heck, maybe you’re having trouble understanding you…
But that’s the fun in it…noticing those thoughts that create those feelings, challenging the heck out of them & consciously re wiring a new truth that better suits & that your nervous system will thank you for.
Care about others opinions (other than your closest) and you become a prisoner.
I felt it this afternoon when I was undergoing a big ol’ re wire. Veeeeeery unpleasant and not overly necessary.
So! Today, I decided that I’m not going to cut my ear off or buy into a narrative of separation.
Instead, I’m going to keep cultivating this inner peace, blowing a kiss to the fear as she rises & keep opting to live in honesty.
If the past is anything to go by, I’ll be penalised, but as the days go by, the fear will continue to dissipate & one day I’ll be just like Rick Rubin (so fucking sure of myself.) I reckon I’m getting there.
I didn’t feel separate last week when I was away from the critics, toes in the nile, fire by the side, trees swaying, sun kissing….I think it’s that nature intimacy thing he’s been talking about….the elements man. Always calling, always healing.
Soooo why should I feel seperate in any other environment? Perspective.
I’ve decided I’m not going to cling to feeling like and alien anymore.
In the end, it’s pretty much all ego because the ego thrives on fear man.
A silly little structure that separates you from the peace.
What a wake up call.
Time to hop back in the witness seat and keep practicing…always practicing.
As the days go by, what I know on an intellectual level solidifies into a non negotiable daily practice.
I’ll try my hardest to not miss a day.
10 steps forward and a few back and then a big ol’ sling shot for good measure.
Thanks for reading!
Key points:
- Being different is hard but conforming is boring.
- Instead of ignoring the pain, welcome the lesson.
- You’re killing it.
- Love always wins.
💕💕
Why you shouldn’t hang out with boring people
Aiiiight.
We’ve all heard that age old saying about being a product of the 5 people you spend the most time with SO, who are your people?
I like to see my current friendship circle as outspoken, unafraid, empowered, honest, hilarious, in touch, supportive & present.
The group is compact but I like it like that.
My psych talks about this club that you’re either in or you’re not.
It’s called the “Growers Club” and if you’re in it, you’re aware of your patterns, curious about getting to know yourself, observant of your triggers, are reading the books or at the very least, curious about it all.
If you’re not in the cluuuuurb, it means you’re not currently living an examined life and that you don’t really fuss over your footprint being all that positive.
I’ve found that people who are in the latter often have narcissistic tendencies.
Not my people.
Anyway, I like the framework & live by it.
I respect people who aren’t in the growers club but I don’t associate with them.
I don’t find people who aren’t interested in the pursuit of mastering one self to be all that interesting.
To me, the most exciting thing on this earth is the study of people.
It is an insatiable thirst that I just can’t seem to quench.
But that’s cool, all I have is time.
I read an essay on why you shouldn’t hang out with boring people and the angle felt very science based so I thought I’d put a spin on it.
I love science, the brain, molecules, nerve cells etc…but to me, it feels more like an intuitive practice.
Choosing your people that is….
So how does one measure who is right for you and who needs to be shown the door?
First question!
Who is close by?
Are you proud to be associated with your humans?
Do your friendships leave you feeling inspired, excited, heard & supported?
Did you have to really think about the above?
Can you just be with your pals or do you find yourself feeling energetically sapped after most encounters?
Do your friends spend the majority of the time talking about other people or do you find the conversation stimulating?
When you’re supporting your friends, do they listen and act accordingly, knowing that you have their best interest at heart or do you feel like whatever you say goes in one ear and out the other?
I’ve experienced a myriad of relationships in my time and have had a taste of many different flavours.
Ones that left me feeling elated, others, depleted.
Ones that reminded me that I am deserving, others that motivated great change & my personal fav, the ones that softly edged me towards an awareness that it might be time to leave behind a way of doing or thinking that no longer serves. Always with care.
I’ve invested energy and love into some questionable humans and have had to be somewhat savage with those who are welcome and those who are not.
And that’s never easy.
The truth is, my standards are high in every aspect of my life and I like that about myself.
I won’t invest energy into people who don’t want to evolve.
There’s love & understanding there but cycle repeating and never changing hurts my soul & my brain and the threshold has been exhausted.
After all, one cannot force, one can only guide.
People have to come to it on their own.
And the chat about the 10 dudes you’ve got on the go…god I got sick of those chats.
I like to listen but If I wanted to hear about the shit dudes on the coast that you’re playing games with, I’d go out of a night and experience them for myself.
That’s top shelf boring to me.
My fav friendships are the ones that are equal give and take.
Where the rules are unspoken and the friendship is built on flow.
You talk and then you listen.
You aren’t just waiting for the person to shut the fuck up so you can get a word in.
OR you’re excited, so you chime in but it’s celebrated because it’s valuable information that arrived excitedly at just the right time.
There are no rules but the above is what I’ve been vibing the most lately.
Quality relationships take time to build but when they’re meant for you, they’ll leave you feeling so damn satiated.
So how do you feel about your closest 5?
Are you beautifully surrounded or could it be time to reevaluate?
If you’re feeling like it’s time to reevaluate, I encourage you to feel excited about the possibilities as they are endless.
When you decide that you’re not going to settle in the friendship department, you’re signalling to the universe that you’re ready for more and she listens.
When I went through the above, there were some very real moments.
Between the recalibration time & the sexy new friends you’re set to draw in, I’d like to warn you about the potential of feeling like a lonely little alien for a bit.
I encourage you to sit with that feeling & use that time as rocket fuel for becoming super clear about what you want to feel in the next phase.
And trust. Please trust.
You CAN have it all <3
Another cool exercise I encourage you to do if you’re feeling a little bit lost is the 1’s, 2’s & 3’s exercise.
Your 1’s are your number ones that you would do anything for, at any time, no matter what.
The love is unconditional and you’re better for knowing them.
The 1’s pull you up on your shit with the intention of motivating a better you so that in turn, you’re gifted a lighter life.
They are your ride or dies, if you will.
The 2’s are cool cats.
They’re important and considered. Love and appreciated.
Ya’ll vibe and enjoy each others company and hang out and it’s a grand ol’ time but the bond doesn’t have that full blown fairy dust that the ride or dies possess.
The 3’s are good people but they’re not at the top of the priority list.
They’re the ones you smile and wave at, have small chat with but quality time with them doesn’t cross your mind.
The idea is to focus on your numero unos!
To water those relationships and to watch them expand into whatever your heart might desire.
The truth is, the limit does not exist and the potential in your friendships is INFINITE.
It’s infinite in every aspect of your life to be honest but today, the focus is kicking boring cunnies to the curb & appreciating our core humans.
So! Drumroll!
The reason you shouldn’t hang out with boring people is because you’ll become boring and we don’t want that.
Write a list of what you want in a friend, become it & finally, sit back & relax baabbbay.
All that you desire is en route. I promise.
Life changing book recs:
If you want to re wire your thought patterns to bring in maximum goodness, I recommend anything Joe Dispenza.
Micheal Singer will always be MVP. I will never not recommend Mr Singer.
The book “Outrageous Openness” by Tosha Silver is a simple read but it is truly brilliant & 100% the reason why I make money now instead of fearing it. Average cover, mint book.
LOVE x
V-v-vulnerability babaaay
Aaaalright alright, gather yeeee, gather yeeee.
Vulnerability.
The cheekiest little mistress to master and a god dayum practiced art.
Not that long ago, I couldn’t do it without feeling like I was going to throw up.
Actually, that’s a flat out lie.
I could & I did…often.
It just made me particularly queasy with guys that I was crushing on.
Because for a bit there, they all seemed to have that one thing in common.
They were all bloody avoidant.
I’d raise a point, with love (shit sandwich always) & they’d rationalize their way out of taking any responsibility.
The part that can be scary about speaking up or setting a boundary is the pain that comes with the story in your head that tells you you’re being “too much”.
It’s a silly little story, yet sadly, it’s one that’s all too common.
One I believed until I started asking myself “too much of what”?
Too sensitive?
Too honest?
Too opinionated?
When I put pen to paper, I quickly realised that my list was filled with traits I loved dearly in others so why was I tripping when the mirror was turned back on me?
Vulnerability in relationships can go 1 of 2 ways.
It’ll either bring you closer or it’ll cement that they’re not right for you.
Whichever way the cogs turn, you’re getting a get out of jail free card.
Why would you want to have someone in your life who you can’t spit ball with?
Friendships I never thought would, crumbled because of shitty communication.
Instead of crumbled, I should probably say “made way for more aligned friendships” cause that’s the fact.
Initially, losing something you really believed in can hurt more than a broken coccyx but it’s that thing I keep repeating….”short term pain, long term gain”.
It’s demoralising when someone doesn’t care to see where you’re coming but if you keep practicing wording up, you will be rewarded.
If you’re working towards a sense of peace & sovereignty when those feelings of shame & guilt come’a knockin’, it means you’re edging towards more aligned relationships. Worth it!
It takes big ol’ balls to stand up for what you believe in & deserve.
So if you’re in the arena, I applaud you.
Where it all began…
I’m 19 & in love for the first time.
It feels good because he’s the hot guy from the bottle o who we’ve all been crushing on.
I don’t really have any values at this stage & my voice is still on pause so it’s guaranteed to fail.
He’s an alcoholic. The friendly kind.
I learn one thing from this relationship & it’s to never settle.
From 19-21 I shag anything that is hot and has a pulse.
I turn 21 and I have no clue that I am en route to experiencing my first “pull the carpet from under me” kind of love.
But first, I am to go through a year of turmoil.
I’m partying hard, depressed as all hell, 3 feet deep in an eating disorder & loathing every ounce of my being.
I wake up one morning with not much will to live.
Mom says something about a change of scenery to motivate a change in mental space.
Melbourne?
Melbourne!
5 days later I arrive in the big smoke.
I find a job and a home.
My doctor tells me I’m depressed & gives me a prescription for anti depressants.
I tell him it’s actually “a bout of depression” and that It’ll do me more harm than good to identify with his diagnosis.
(No judgement if you take anti depressants. They're just not my jam.)
It gets tougher before it gets brighter but I notice consistent shifts in my headspace.
I fly to west Aus and experience my first taste of inner freedom in a long while.
Sri lanka comes next and then on to India.
6 months later, I return home with purpose & clarity.
My path feels written.
I spot him at an art show.
He is a full blown vision.
I can’t locate the nads to say hello.
Dang it.
We become pals on insta & I offer a surf.
We don’t drink any water or eat any food because time is of the essence and there is much to talk about.
He has depth, is kind & has a spiritual element which (shots fired) you don’t see all that often in men my age.
I’m so sure of him.
He is everything I wrote on my list except I foolishly forget to include healthy communication.
I don’t realise that that’s the crux of a strong relationship.
We break because we aren’t mature enough to move through our first hurdle.
It’s painful, for a long time but I wish him the best.
The respect never dies.
From then on communication becomes non negotiable.
It’s 2022 & I’m working on a commercial.
I spot a strappingly charismatic fellow & introduce myself.
It turns out he’s the main talent.
His can do attitude makes me happy & I drive away thinking “who was thatttttt”?
One Sunday a few months later, he comes by for cake & puzzles.
We don’t eat cake or do any puzzles but I’m okay with that.
He celebrates my intricacies & comments on my ways of doing that no one else has ever has.
I feel appreciated.
I am allowed to be myself. I guess I always have been….he just motivates it more than the ones that came before him.
I enjoy his company very much but feel we aren’t quite compatible. We talk about it and decide that friendship will be best. He reminds me that there’s some bloody good guys out there.
It’s 2022 and I am head over for this dude who is no good for me.
I’m working through some anxious tendencies & abandonment issues and he’s avoidant.
Disastrous.
The universe is serving me exactly what I need to break my pattern.
Over and over and over again.
I experience a very strong form of heart break.
One that feels silly and impossible to put into words.
The kind where you create a shiny idea in your head of the person before you and they’re far from it.
It’s a catastrophe.
I’m annoyed at myself but I practice grace.
This one teaches me not to give people qualities they don’t possess.
After that ordeal, I make a petition to abolish rose coloured glasses and It’s like I forget to sign it because I do it aaaaaall over again soon after with someone who barely knows I exist.
The difference this time is that I notice the pattern quickly and I’m able to knock some sense into myself.
I see he’s avoidant and I can’t unsee it.
I move through the motions hastily & feel proud of myself.
I notice myself not settling for the crumbs.
23’ -
I meet this guy and immediately I feel at ease.
I’m not bothered about how I come across, if what I’m saying is interesting enough or if he likes me.
He is confident, self assured & forward.
I love kiwis. The majority are so pure.
I have a habit of sitting in resentment instead of stirring the pot, so as we start to build, I vow that if something bothers me, I will speak up.
Something bothers me.
He sees where I’m coming from, cops it on the chin & thanks me for setting a boundary.
I have no words.
Magnificent. Chefs kiss.
My pattern of attracting avoidant men is over because I know deep down that I deserve the same level of love & communication that I have to give.
We vibe hard.
I love that he give little to no fucks about what other people think.
We meditate & stretch & massages aren’t uncommon..
We listen to music. Like really listen.
There is apple pie & a swim amidst a hurricane.
He opens me up to some new ways and I like to think I do too.
Little ego deaths happen consistently.
I go to yoga & he swims….never not in the nude.
You know the shaggin’ where you’re playing for hours without an end goal?
When the leg cramps & tight hips make way for laughter & conversation & before you know it, you’re ready to go again?
Thats our signature.
He sleeps on his back and I think that means he’s enlightened.
We meditate before z’s and I am reminded of just how good it feels to be touched & cared for.
He gives me my space and I his & there is no expectation surrounding what we are.
I like it like that until the age and experience gap becomes prominent.
We go our separate ways but there is so much honesty there. What I once feared saying is beautifully received.
He gifts me more than he’ll ever know & unknowingly tnt’s some hidden fears surrounding trust.
Vulnerability and what it’s been teaching me:
- The right people, for you, will receive, appreciate & reciprocate
- The people that aren’t meant for you will teach you a lesson in what you deserve
- If they don’t give you what you need, get it elsewhere.
- Aim large with all of your relationships!!!
- A life lived without practicing vulnerability is a life not fully lived
- Raw truth and honesty shows courage and commitment. To yourself and to your people.
- There's a chance of getting hurt, but there's also a chance for connection and growth.
What is meant for you will not miss you <3
To understand attachment styles, I highly recommend the book “Attached” by Amir Levine.
It teaches you how to break anxious/avoidant patterns and also guides you towards spotting secure humans for more positive relationships.
It’s brilliant & an absolute game changer.
Love,
Cap
Vice city
On multiple occasions I’ve found myself pondering the idea of vices, how much weight I wish for them to have in my life & to which degree of occurrence I’m comfortable with them making an appearance.
Like; some suck vapes, others over-consume. Some binge drink, others gravitate towards junk food. Some stay busy, others procrastinate.
I believe any of the above done in excess is a mask for an emotional ailment that hasn’t yet been faced head on.
Can we all agree that we’ve found ourselves leaning on something, at times to a point of excess, in order to attain a particular feeling? Potentially one of the above or something in a similar vein.
I’ve been through stints where I’ve depended on food for joy. At other times, it’s been Tobacco, weed or vapes.
I guess it’s all dopamine…
The short cut to pleasure.
The thing is, what keeps us suffering is the constant seeking of pleasure and that is even true from a neurobiological perspective. Because what pleasure is, is dopamine.
All dopamine wants is more dopamine.
It is in fact the molecule of more & I swear to god, it is never content.
Turns out dopamine is a primary driver behind all addiction so when you’re leaning on something that lives outside of you (in excess) to motivate, accentuate or heighten certain feelings, emotions or experiences, I think it’s time to re asses.
That also ends up being a big ol’ metaphor for life…if you’re living the examined kind that is…
Consistently re evaluating what feels good & who feels good…who doesn’t & needs to be put on ice.
Drugs are a funny one though.
Interesting when you contemplate the idea that they bare no influence in the lives of some & to others, they have a heavy grasp.
My neighbour smokes crack so understanding the latter feels close to home. Pun intendy.
After a solid abstinence in the realm of madame Mary Jane, I realise her weight isn’t at all heavy in my life anymore.
And that’s something I feel really proud of.
Weed has offered me plenty but where I once leant on it to attain presence, calm, motivation or ideas, I now find in silence, rest or even whilst baking cookies and listening to Moby full pelt.
Because ideas are everywhere & calm is accessible through the most constant thing in our lives. Breath.
And after all is said and done, everything you need already rests inside you.
I write this without judgement. I ain’t saintly. A cheeky rolly in good company every now and then hits…when it’s not fuelled by escapism.
When I was leaning hard on the aforementioned, I never really felt like there was relatable info circulating the world wide web so now this is here.
Mostly to get the conversation going surrounding things we lean on for instant gratification.
Is there something in your life that could do with a spot of readjustment?
Be well, x