I realised the other month that as work picks up & life goes & momentum happens, the self care regime also needs to ramp up.
I don’t neglect self care.
It’s very selfish of me but it’s non negotiable.
How can you expect someone to meet your needs if you can’t meet them yourself?
I think there’s a sizey part of this society that’s on board the suppression train. Next stop, illness.
In saying that, I’m also under the impression that collectively, we’re headed in a healthier direction.
Sometimes I lose faith in society though…
I’ve held back from saying that out loud but I just saw that one of my favourite authors thought it too so now I’m cool with being a little bit real at times.
I can’t do the toxic positivity thing.
Look me in the eyes when we’re talking
Your phone will still be there when this conversation is over
Your energy is your best currency
Ask stimulating questions
Stand up tall…. It’s all in your posture
I could do with using a little more grace but sometimes the barometer just blows up when I’ve been a hermit.
A little smile & two seconds of eye contact goes a long way.
The message and intention I’d like to spread into the world is…less sub bar conversation, more curiousity.
We ask each other day in, day out if we’re algud.
How often is the response “not too bad”.
I reckon all too often.
That narrative sucks.
Watch what happens to your conversations when you use words that have actual meaning.
I reckon you’ll meet more opportunity, conversations & love.
As Lou Reed once sung, “Sooooome people are liiiike huuuuuman tuiiiinaaals”.
I know he did some shit but I still back him & his lyrics. God they hit.
You find more answers when you’re expanding your vocabulary.
More pleasure & at times, more pain. But at least it ain’t mundane ;)
Last night, I stayed at mums & went through her book shelf to suss what might grab me.
This morning, a letter I’d written in 2012 fell out from one of the picks.
I promised to be a better person & daughter.
For myself but mostly for Mum and Jel.
The vocabulary then in comparison to now made my brain smile.
Back with my never ending spiel on vulnerability but man, I cannot believe what that practice has been bringing up for me.
A huge amount of love & light, paired with some of the most hectic pain I might ever feel. Self created mind you.
I have the power to combat impulsivity & sit in the valley of emotions buuut sometimes I choke and forget to surrender.
And god I can be hard on myself.
The potential of being seen and heard could well lead to more clarity, an answer or some wisdom regarding patterns or trauma and that’s scary business.
Who knows what awaits?
That’s why we’re scared of practicing it.
Because maybe we won’t like the answer or we’ll be shown a mirror.
Maybe we’ll meet a deeper kind of love for ourselves.
Maybe they’ll respect us more.
The thing is, it’s completely beyond our control. So let’s use our words. And be clear with our intentions. (This ones for me).
Meet the guilt & shame with love. It’s hard but let’s give it a nudge.
I’ve gone about most of my life in my own lane & it’s been beautiful and real.
Something I’m realising currently is that we all need to be heard, validated & cared for by others in order to thrive indifferent ways.
I think sometimes solitude is a cop out for actually doing the work in real life with actual living humans.
I think sometimes I keep to myself because it’s predictable and safe.
Maybe this is the month I balance out my solitude.
Psychedelics:
I’m not gonna condone psychedelics to every brain out there but I gotta say, I do back them.
Hopefully, if you’re reading this, it means you’re old enough to be making calculated decisions.
What I will condone is using psychs consciously, in a stable head space.
The truth is, I’ve learnt some of the most valuable lessons through dancing in the dark & light that comes from sitting with some of the above.
One time, while on DMT, I was in bed, propped up with pillows, facing my stained glass windows with the 4pm winter light streaming in.
These big ol’ windows are my favourite feature of this house so when the left window began to beam with light, I was nowhere else.
That window hosted imagery of every single thing I might ever desire floating over me innocently.
Such an attractive sight.
Compelling & certain.
So bright.
The other window was dark, heavy and filled with big black hairy goblins with big booties.
I could choose either to focus my attention on the bright window or I could opt for the dark goblin window.
The left window, sittin’ pretty.
A full body orgasm in the form of imagery.
The right, dark and unappealing.
After a good few minutes with the bright, briiiight sexy window, I kept finding myself focusing on the darkness.
Sometimes it’s difficult to stay present.
Especially when you’re being bashed with so many answers at once.
How good is awareness.
Anyway, goblins.
Dmt is so funny to try to interpret.
Maybe the dark window was my shadow?
Is it about blending the light and dark within myself so that they can co exist better?
Or am I to shut the window of darkness so that there’s more room for the bright window to flourish?
After that trip, I decided to sprint at all the ideas floating before me.
In the end, I chose to focus on the bright window and I’m glad I did.
Channeling anger:
It’s sort of whack, but the other night, I was driving and listening to aaaangry music, which is rare for me.
I felt so much pleasure in the anger that was hastily boiling up within me.
For someone who feels resentment (when I don’t speak up) more often than anger, I so naturally knew that the emotion needed to be channelled instead of suppressed.
Anger is one I use to struggle to be in but this time, it wasn’t like that.
I think it’s a cool process getting to the a stage where you’re learning to meet yourself in any emotion.
How ever ugly it may be.
The truth is, there’s lots of fire within me that’s gone unexpressed in the past.
A dragons come up in Aya a few times & they say that’s a sign of courage and bravery.
I’ll take it.
What a totem.
Your feelings are valid:
So what are you feeling?
Because your feelings are valid.
Time and time again they’re valid buuut it is your responsibility to kick yourself in the ass and make the necessary changes, if you’re noticing a pattern of feeling helpless.
We ain’t beyond repair.
Far from it.
But you have to take responsibility.
For your life, for the way you feel & for the way you’d like for your people to feel around you.
Accountability is everything.
If your approach is half let’s fix it/half sit with it and feel it, I think you’re on the money.
If you have a different approach, I’d love to hear about it.
The above feels like an equal femme + masc approach which seems balanced.
It’s intuitive while not really allowing the space for a good ol’ fashion wallow.
I’ve been finding that a dynamic combo of both femme & masc traits can take you places.
Forward motion and measurable outcomes.
Femme + masc energy, For Dummies:
I believe the best place to start is to realise that the polarities should be divorced from the notion that it’s a gender thing & realised as energetic tendencies.
I’ve found that my system basically rolls best when I’m balancing rest and digest with action & consistency.
Tricky to balance, might I add.
Key points:
Words. Let’s use em’.
Eyes. Let’s look into them.
The self: Lets look after her/they/he/hehe
And let’s continue to be honest with ourselves <3
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