I don’t often share writings when I’m in the thick of it because the words don’t come as naturally and the lesson doesn’t feel quite cement yet, but the truth is, this topic has graced my journal frequently & maybe the words won’t ever feel complete.
Eyyyy, we aren’t striving for perfectionism anymore :’)
So here it is.
Living in integrity can be a very lonely practice & having morals and values that go against the grain will bring about adversity & feelings of shame/separateness.
I often ponder fear and my relationship with it.
To be honest, I feel like it’d do me some good to fear a little more.
Mostly when I’m screaming down the highway on the moto, past a semi, in the pouring rain but also when I’m surfing and there’s sharks…
It shouldn’t feel like I’m swimming between the flags in my mind.
Is it strange that I find walking by myself at night to be therapeutic?
I guess that means I’m slightly stupid, somewhat calculated, but mostly, It means I don’t buy into fearing what I cannot control…
But the thing that has brought about the most amount of fear is showing up as my true self.
Spitting the words I want to spit.
Loving deeply.
Being proven wrong, and disagreeing.
Not making others comfortable by sacrificing my own comfort.
All of it.
Living an honest life also means conflict.
Internally & externally.
It’s a practice that takes dedication.
One that flows best without whispers from the inner critic.
One that flourishes when you’re reminding yourself that you’re perfectly within your right to feel what you’re feeling & those emotions don’t have to bare guilt or shame.
We can’t control how we’re going to be perceived.
All we can control is how much we persecute ourselves for doing what feels non negotiable.
I’m doing my very best to live in a state of love.
To cultivate feelings of peace, to breathe, to practice gratitude & to tackle conflict in the only way I know how. With intention.
I put my best foot forward time & time again, but the truth is, no matter how much you volunteer, how kind you are to your clients, how many opportunities you gift people or how generously you live your life, there will still be a rebuttal.
People will still come at you thinking that you’re ill intentioned.
God forbid you have an opposing opinion!
You may feel small because you’re in the minority but the long game will have your back. I promise.
The truth is, I bought into this narrative at the age of 7 that I was in fact an alien & it’s become deeply etched in how I move through the world.
I’ve had trouble relating, conforming & keeping my mouth shut.
I’ve ping ponged between living in a fierce kind of truth & wanting to lock myself up, create art & cut my ear off.
But that’s fear talking & the ego flaring.
Because there is no separation.
I’ve taken so many hits but I’ll always stay afloat because living in integrity comes with a cost but it also comes with a prize of inner knowing (when you turn the little voices off.)
It’s quite easy to shut the fuck up and conform. I’ve done it before…didn’t love it.
What’s tough is giving yourself grace when it feels like no-one will ever understand you.
Heck, maybe you’re having trouble understanding you…
But that’s the fun in it…noticing those thoughts that create those feelings, challenging the heck out of them & consciously re wiring a new truth that better suits & that your nervous system will thank you for.
Care about others opinions (other than your closest) and you become a prisoner.
I felt it this afternoon when I was undergoing a big ol’ re wire. Veeeeeery unpleasant and not overly necessary.
So! Today, I decided that I’m not going to cut my ear off or buy into a narrative of separation.
Instead, I’m going to keep cultivating this inner peace, blowing a kiss to the fear as she rises & keep opting to live in honesty.
If the past is anything to go by, I’ll be penalised, but as the days go by, the fear will continue to dissipate & one day I’ll be just like Rick Rubin (so fucking sure of myself.) I reckon I’m getting there.
I didn’t feel separate last week when I was away from the critics, toes in the nile, fire by the side, trees swaying, sun kissing….I think it’s that nature intimacy thing he’s been talking about….the elements man. Always calling, always healing.
Soooo why should I feel seperate in any other environment? Perspective.
I’ve decided I’m not going to cling to feeling like and alien anymore.
In the end, it’s pretty much all ego because the ego thrives on fear man.
A silly little structure that separates you from the peace.
What a wake up call.
Time to hop back in the witness seat and keep practicing…always practicing.
As the days go by, what I know on an intellectual level solidifies into a non negotiable daily practice.
I’ll try my hardest to not miss a day.
10 steps forward and a few back and then a big ol’ sling shot for good measure.
Thanks for reading!
Key points:
- Being different is hard but conforming is boring.
- Instead of ignoring the pain, welcome the lesson.
- You’re killing it.
- Love always wins.
💕💕